Sara Aloimonos, certified life-coach and owner of local life-coaching business Monarch Coaching, discusses relationships, how to communicate in a healthy way, and how to set boundaries with other people.
Every reference to a relationship or partner in this article refers to anyone from a friend to a spouse SA国际影视传媒� the important people in your life.
What does a healthy relationship look like?
SA国际影视传媒淚 feel like a healthy relationship, itSA国际影视传媒檚 a lot about having open communication,SA国际影视传媒� said Sara Aloimonos.
She emphasized that trust and honesty are important when communicating with people.
She also described an 80/80 relationship, which means both partners are putting increased effort into their relationship to meet the needs of the other person.
SA国际影视传媒淎 healthy relationship should be 80/80, none of this 50/50, (trying to) be equal.
SA国际影视传媒淲hen I say 80/80, itSA国际影视传媒檚 that each person is trying their hardest and more in the relationship so then all bases get covered and nobodySA国际影视传媒檚 left with their needs unmet and feeling resentful.
SA国际影视传媒淩elationships that are 50/50, itSA国际影视传媒檚 like tit for tat, SA国际影视传媒榶ou did (X) so now I have to do (Y).SA国际影视传媒橲A国际影视传媒�
Telling your partner how youSA国际影视传媒檙e really feeling prevents resentment from making its way into your relationships, says Aloimonos. Doing so will work toward solving whateverSA国际影视传媒檚 bothering you, she said.
SA国际影视传媒淏eing able to be vulnerable and open allows for productive communication. Stating your needs, stating your boundaries, and having those (be) respected as well.
SA国际影视传媒淲hen people are not communicating and not being vulnerable, resentment builds. That can just kill a relationship. ItSA国际影视传媒檚 like death by a thousand paper cuts.SA国际影视传媒�
How is vulnerability expressed?
SA国际影视传媒淚tSA国际影视传媒檚 saying how you feel. So many people are afraid to say, SA国际影视传媒業 feel sadSA国际影视传媒� or SA国际影视传媒業 feel hurt.SA国际影视传媒�
SA国际影视传媒淚tSA国际影视传媒檚 just completely being open about your life, how youSA国际影视传媒檙e feeling, and how thatSA国际影视传媒檚 affecting you.
Aloimonos says that it is important to address your own feelings when being vulnerable instead of talking about the other person.
Sharing how their behavior is affecting you and your feelings is the proper way of being vulnerable, while accusing and labelling the other person can be harmful to them, she says.
SA国际影视传媒淚tSA国际影视传媒檚 important to use SA国际影视传媒業SA国际影视传媒� terms instead of SA国际影视传媒榶ou.SA国际影视传媒� (Say) SA国际影视传媒榶our behavior is affecting me in this waySA国际影视传媒� instead of, SA国际影视传媒榶ouSA国际影视传媒檙e a jerk.SA国际影视传媒� YouSA国际影视传媒檙e still addressing their behavior.
She said that using SA国际影视传媒榶ouSA国际影视传媒� statements is more like attacking the person you are attempting to communicate with instead of finding a solution.
SA国际影视传媒淪A国际影视传媒榊ouSA国际影视传媒� is so attacking. Like, SA国际影视传媒榶ou didnSA国际影视传媒檛 do what you said you were going to do,SA国际影视传媒� instead of, SA国际影视传媒業 felt disappointed because I was supposed to meet you here at (X) time.SA国际影视传媒�
Does it matter who we spend time with in our personal time?
SA国际影视传媒淚 believe that it does. We all have energy flow. We have different goals and standards in our lives.
SA国际影视传媒淲hen someone negative invades our space, itSA国际影视传媒檚 almost like theySA国际影视传媒檙e SA国际影视传媒榚nergy vampires,SA国际影视传媒� and they suck all that good stuff we have going out of us.
SA国际影视传媒淚f youSA国际影视传媒檙e spending time with energy vampires, you (will) feel physically exhausted and mentally drained after you spend time with them.
SA国际影视传媒淚tSA国际影视传媒檚 always important just to analyze how you feel after you spend time with someone. If you feel like garbage (afterward), then you have to reevaluate your friendship.
SA国际影视传媒淪ee if you want to just set boundaries with that person or if you just want to reconsider even having them in your life.SA国际影视传媒�
She also said that you can get drawn into negative behavior by spending time with negative people.
SA国际影视传媒淧eople who align on your frequency of thinking and the energy youSA国际影视传媒檙e putting out; those are the people you should stick with.SA国际影视传媒�
Should we completely cut out negative people from our lives?
SA国际影视传媒淲hat I would suggest is evaluating how important this person is first, and if you feel theySA国际影视传媒檙e important in your life then just set boundaries.
SA国际影视传媒淚f thereSA国际影视传媒檚 certain things they bring up that are offensive or things that you just donSA国际影视传媒檛 enjoy, be open and say, SA国际影视传媒榳hen weSA国际影视传媒檙e together, can we not talk about these things?SA国际影视传媒�
SA国际影视传媒淏oundaries are so important. Say, SA国际影视传媒業 canSA国际影视传媒檛 discuss this with youSA国际影视传媒� or SA国际影视传媒榣etSA国际影视传媒檚 just focus on this.SA国际影视传媒� Then if that person still disrespects you setting boundaries, (then ask again,) SA国际影视传媒榙o I even want this person in my life?SA国际影视传媒�
SA国际影视传媒淚tSA国际影视传媒檚 like their way or nothing, and they donSA国际影视传媒檛 even consider where youSA国际影视传媒檙e coming from.
SA国际影视传媒淵ou have to be vulnerable and say, SA国际影视传媒業 feel this way,SA国际影视传媒� and then itSA国际影视传媒檚 up to them to stop or not.SA国际影视传媒�
Some people that you feel are an important part of your life, such as members of your family, may also be prone to negative behavior. Sara suggests how to deal with their negativity.
SA国际影视传媒淧eople like parents or siblings, you can almost put them in a compartment in a way. When youSA国际影视传媒檙e with them and you say (to yourself), SA国际影视传媒業 know theySA国际影视传媒檙e going to be this way so ISA国际影视传媒檓 not gonna allow myself to absorb their energy. ISA国际影视传媒檓 just going to understand (that) this is how they are. ISA国际影视传媒檓 with them for a short time, and when I leave them, ISA国际影视传媒檓 just going to shake it off.SA国际影视传媒橲A国际影视传媒�
What are some practices for maintaining healthy relationships?
SA国际影视传媒淎lways continue to do your own work to be the best person you can possibly be, then bring that into the relationship.
Aloimonos says that your own emotional baggage, negativity, and character flaws are all projected into your relationships with people, which is why it is important to work on ourselves.
Conversely, when you do work on yourself by dealing with past traumas and issues, the way you feel about yourself changes, she says.
Bringing your best qualities into the relationship improves it, she added.
SA国际影视传媒淎lso just being respectful of othersSA国际影视传媒� needs and their boundaries.
SA国际影视传媒淚f someone comes to you and says, SA国际影视传媒業 donSA国际影视传媒檛 want you calling me excessively at work.SA国际影视传媒� ItSA国际影视传媒檚 OK. I respect that.SA国际影视传媒�
Aloimonos encourages people to openly communicate at all times, even if it causes someone to be hurt or upset.
SA国际影视传媒淪ilence is a killer. When youSA国际影视传媒檙e just silent and youSA国际影视传媒檙e building up resentment and all these negative (feelings), then youSA国际影视传媒檒l project that and your energy comes out onto the relationship and thatSA国际影视传媒檚 when fights start.
SA国际影视传媒淲hen youSA国际影视传媒檙e open and you say, SA国际影视传媒業SA国际影视传媒檓 upset about this,SA国际影视传媒� even if it causes a fight, youSA国际影视传媒檙e still getting it out and then you can deal with that problem. Then it actually strengthens the relationship.
Should we still bring up problems with our partner, even if itSA国际影视传媒檚 really small?
Aloimonos said it depends, and that she encourages you to wait a day or so to see if it is still bothering you. If it does, then bring it up, otherwise the resentment will build, she says.
SA国际影视传媒淭hose are those little paper cuts that are just going to keep cutting and creating further barriers between you and the (other) person, but if youSA国际影视传媒檝e forgotten about it or itSA国际影视传媒檚 not that big of a deal a day later, then donSA国际影视传媒檛 bother bringing it up.SA国际影视传媒�
How do you deal with the fear of confronting someone?
SA国际影视传媒淚 would weigh the pros and cons of it. Do you want to just get it out and feel better or suck it up and feel like (garbage)?
SA国际影视传媒淵ouSA国际影视传媒檙e so angry at them because you havenSA国际影视传媒檛 spoken to them, and they can feel that anger and resentment, that energy coming from you.SA国际影视传媒�
