A caregiver physically hurts their child only to have the child come running back and cuddle up in their arms.

The parent thinks no harm has been done seeing as the child seems OK, still loves them, and isn't turned off. They're not OK.

What really has developed is an unhealthy relationship in which the child is now in the role of people-pleasing and constantly searching for approval. They fear for the parent to either harm them again or are in search of signs they are still lovable. To the outside world, it all looks like a loving relationship; inside, these actions have created an insecure environment and low self-esteem for that child.

When a child is exposed to a nurturing environment where conversation is open, communication is strong and the caregiver continually increases their knowledge surrounding brain development of kids (meeting them where they are at), security is born. We want our kids to feel safe coming to us with any issues, even if it means they're grounded for life. We want our kids to tell us exactly how they're feeling, even if it means hearing their suppressed thoughts about us as a parent.

When fear is created, suppression moves in and inner anxiety cycles over and over. All sense of security vanishes. With repetition, it's an instilled belief that danger is always lurking. This can result in poor behaviour, constant fight or flight mode and mental health issues.

How do you feel coming in the door and a family member attacks you? They tell you to hang up your coat, stop tracking snow around and demand to know why you're so late. How do you feel when someone important in your life swings from one extreme to the other? One minute they are kind, cool and collected and the next, you're walking on eggshells, worried you'll tip the boat. You never know who to expect so you're on your toes ready for the worst.

How do you feel when someone promises you something then doesn't follow through? All scenarios create a sense of insecurity. You, as an adult reading this, can most likely relate to one of the scenarios mentioned above. It can be scary, raise your heart rate and put you into defence mode right away. You're protecting yourself from the tiger about to pounce.

Now, imagine these scenarios but put a child in the place of yourself. It's just as scary. Actually, it's worse because kids aren't yet equipped to understand that it's not about them and the adult is reacting to a need unmet (eg: a child not following a household rule), frustration with their own day, or, most commonly, reacting to a trigger (eg: not being heard, feeling inferior and an inflated ego).

Putting someone in a fight or flight stress response mode before they have even walked in the door sets kids up for developing anxiety and other mental health disorders, people pleasing (continually trying to keep the adult happy) and development of low self-confidence.

Three simple ways you, as a parent, can help create security in your child's life are:

1) Recognize your demeanour and projections. Many, many people will not and see no need for change. For those willing, it's time to get a hold of yourself. This means possibly seeking professional help for mood disorders, addressing stressors in your life and learning how to regulate your emotions. This can be difficult for those who lack patience, empathy and the ability to self-regulate in general. It can be a battle, but it's worth it to ensure your child is set up feeling secure in their day-to-day life and equip them as they move into their more mature years.

2) Have calm one-on-one conversations with your child. Let down your guard and be open to the idea that vulnerability is a superpower. Explain to your child the work you're doing on yourself to give them a safe place to come to. This will set the stage for your child to let down their protective shield and possibly open up to you about how they've been feeling. This won't be an overnight sensation... trust needs to be built that proves what you're saying and how your behaviour has changed is real. Respecting them as they speak and being responsive will generate a strong foundation to continue building your relationship.

3) Do as you say. Sounds so simple but I hear it all the time. Promises are made to attend events, have special time together, material items, etc., then just as quickly, it's taken away or never mentioned again. Often, the caregiver will have a reason (and sometimes it's legitimate) to cancel plans, but sometimes it's obvious the adult just doesn't feel like it anymore.

Think again how you feel when promises are broken. Do you trust the next time promises are made? No. You don't feel secure around the person doling out the exciting plans. Being dependable, someone your child can count on, is gold. Showing up when you say you will, following through on your deliverables, even when you just want to relax, will build the much sought-after security a child needs to thrive. When you're actually sick and need to cancel plans, kids will see this and respect the cancellation, not question the credibility of your excuse.

What do you need to feel safe and secure in your life? Why is it so much easier to voice and create this environment for yourself, yet kids are treated as inferior? When you see your child as an equal and foster an environment in which they can grow securely, your relationship with them will strengthen, their self-esteem and confidence will build, and they will trust you, others and themselves to a higher degree.