Getting fit or artificially enhancing your body won't stop a cheater from cheating.
Doing everything you're told and being the perfect Stepford wife won't stop an abuser from abusing.
Standing up for yourself won't stop a controlling person from trying to control. Gaining more money than you know what to do with won't mend a toxic marriage or bring you happiness.
It's a common pattern I see within my practice. People are unhappy in their current relationship and situation. Perhaps their partner had an affair, they hate their job and their marriage, or they know something doesn't sit right for them in their life and they think material possessions will fill that void.
The biggest problem isn't the other person or situation they've gotten into. Their partner in the relationship won't change unless they want to. The biggest problem is within themselves. Childhood traumas or instilled beliefs keep people stuck in the race they're in. Maybe they had an unhealthy attachment to their guardian and now this carries over to the relationships they're involved in. Maybe their self-esteem or confidence was knocked down to nothing by a caregiver or intense relationship growing up.
I've seen people stay in relationships because they thought they couldn't do better, the other person brings them financial security or they're afraid they'll never meet someone else willing to take in their kids. Meanwhile, their partner has affair after affair and controls everything in the home, even their choices.
Typically, the one in the relationship who is struggling for change or freedom (and putting up with a whole lot) is the one who changes themselves to fit into the other person's desires or molds of who they think they should be, or who their partner wants them to be. Like I said above, body enhancements, perfection and money won't bring them happiness or the fulfillment they need, want and deserve in life. However, avoiding what's beneath can be enough for someone to carry on as is when healing isn't an option.
The most important thing you can do for yourself is figure out who you truly are. Get curious about your decisions and think about whether your choices are truly yours or reflective of trauma experienced, control and manipulation in your life, low self-esteem, etc. Often, during conflict, humans resort to allowing their wounded selves to come out and respond SA国际影视传媒� to protect. This is insecurities bubbling up and spilling over. When a cheater cheats, this is their own insecurity. When perfection or people-pleasing rears its head, what are you afraid of happening if you don't fulfill the task? Why does having money, yet turning a blind eye to abuse, trump having a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone who values you?
Finding the strength within yourself to pull back and examine your life is tough. There are, most likely, many things riding on your decisions you ultimately make. Honouring your true self and knowing your worth will dictate your happiness and deep sense of fulfillment for the rest of your life. It takes real courage to seek counselling and to look into your past, dredging up suppressed traumas and to see yourself for who you have become.
You'll want to slide back to your comfort zone when things get overwhelming. This is a natural protective default mechanism. Just remind yourself why you're doing it.
-Sara Aloimonos is a columnist, life coach and functional nutritionist in Yellowknife.
