Is the purpose of sharing my pain and my story in my first guest comment in Yellowknifer recently to simply dump it on others and myself repeatedly? Or is there something more purposeful herein?

In the spirit of seeking out root-cause knowledge; ISA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½™ve discovered much information and helpful tools along the way SA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½” things I still do not fully understand, nor ever will. However, hopefully through sharing, some will help others as they help me.

Let me be clear before the arrows start flying my way. I am not a clinician. I do not have a degree or masters in academic psychology, psychiatry or certified counselling, nor do I profess to. I only have my personal and professional lived experiences to date, and I have survived them all. I do not pretend to ever speak for others, and I will always do my best to be cautious not to.

In saying this, do we not need to do something different? Human suffering and conflict, both internal and external, seem to be thriving from my tiny speck of space.

I find with more uncomfortable and vulnerable knowledge gained, I am gifted further clarity, understanding, peace and power. Is this not a difficult but efficient and cost-effective approach?

Dissociation is an American Psychological Association (APA) trauma side-effect I unknowingly started drawing upon 42 years ago. It is a defence mechanism I frequently accessed while subjected to sexual molestation. "It is an unconscious reaction pattern employed by the ego to protect itself from the anxiety that arises from psychic conflict. Such mechanisms range from mature to immature depending how much they distort reality," is a partial summation from the APA.

And the APA dissociation definition is "a defence mechanism in which conflicting impulses are kept apart, or threatening ideas and feelings are separated from the rest of the psyche."

Dissociation kept me alive, and did so when I didnSA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½™t even know. Dissociation allows me to separate from me, to detach. It allows a wider view, a wider lens. It allows me to see more objectively, somewhat like I am the specimen in the Petri dish I examine for myself.

I was unwelcomingly woken in the middle of the night when my abuser was hungry again. I would separate myself from my body, floating above the couch and waiting until he was done. Until I could rejoin me. I would then forget and lock it up somewhere in an impermeable psychic compartment. This was done every time, for I had to face him and others I loved at the breakfast table in the morning. I had to be a different Trevor Kasteel. What else was I to do?

Dissociation helped me to switch, fake face to fake face. The real Trevor trapped, lost, morphed into something else, somewhere else.

I received an early education in separation, isolation, loneliness. Switching back and forth within myself by myself, when required.

I am prepared for ridicule as I write this. In fact, I expect it.

We seem to live in an increasingly reactive, opinionated, assumptive and convenience-filled world; a breeding ground for narcissists and bullies. And yet, we stand amazed as to why there is so much of this internal and external conflict in our world today? Courage is non-existent here.

Dissociation continues to assist in saving much personal and professional records, correspondence and writings to date SA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½” even saving an Aug. 17, 1997, letter written at my fatherSA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½™s gravesite, the morning of my molesterSA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½™s sentencing after he submitted a guilty plea.

Dissociation assists in detaching myself from myself, to permit recording more personal video diaries. Diaries taken even at the most brutal of moments.

Dissociation allows me to detach and act on formally requesting all personal health records (hospital, clinical, immunization) to build a more complete chronological timeline of myself.

Dissociation assisted with working out my bankruptcy mess SA¹ú¼ÊÓ°ÊÓ´«Ã½” helping to clean and organize, to prepare auctioning all Kasteel Construction and Coatings Inc. assets belonging to my former company.

Further pain or shame does not intimidate me, for it is where vital knowledge and strength lies in wait.

Dissociation assists me with sifting through further APA findings like chronic anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, chronic stress, intrapsychic conflict, attempted suicide, denial, defence mechanisms, isolation, social isolation, dissociative amnesia (blackouts), freezing behaviour, internal and external communications, patience, internal and external stimuli, immobility, learned helplessness, escape conditioning, avoidance conditioning, camouflage, functional amnesia, compartmentalization, loneliness, humility, courage, love and more.

Dissociation allows me to pull away when required, to gently process more pain carefully while staying the course to achieve the learning, the tools and the growth.

Dissociation helps me write my journey.

Humility, accountability and quiet are proving to be phenomenal teachers. And success has a much different meaning.